Why It’s So Hard To Ask For Help

Hands reaching out to each other

Many people believe that they need to reach a certain point before they consider asking for help. This point isn’t usually at the beginning and it’s rarely when you’ve reached your limit. It’s later than that. Asking for help tends to happen when there are no other options. You passed your limit a while ago and the strain is becoming harder to ignore.

It’s very common to tell yourself that you’ll handle it. ‘I’ll manage’ becomes such a familiar pattern that the idea of options may not even occur to you. You give it time, think it through, make a Plan A, a Plan B and maybe add a Plan C just in case. You try different ways of coping and for a little while that works. You tell yourself that reaching out for support is the absolute last resort. You shouldn’t have to, right? You can handle it. What if asking for support isn’t about reaching limits? Do you really have to go beyond your limits of endurance before you’re allowed to seek a way to lighten the load?

The trouble is that the threshold keeps moving. As life becomes more complicated and the demands increase, you shift the boundaries around when you'll ask for support. You never seem to reach the point where you’ll consider reaching out – even when you’ve passed that point you originally promised yourself. You tell yourself that it isn’t bad enough yet. You can handle a bit more, especially when others are relying on you. You’re doing better than you thought so you don’t need help...right?

Then there are the judgemental thoughts.

‘I should be able to manage this,’

‘Other people have it worse.’

Comparing your situation to others is a great way to invalidate your feelings, thoughts and experiences. This makes you wait, as if you have to suffer to a certain level before it’s acceptable to ask for support.

You keep going until it’s no longer manageable.

Eventually, the demands outweigh what you can realistically give, and it becomes harder and harder to hold everything together. Before you know it, you’re not just trying to deal with the original issue, you’re also dealing with exhaustion, overwhelm, guilt and the increasing weight you’ve been carrying over a long time.

If you’ve had a lifetime of coping with everything yourself, then asking for help might feel like admitting defeat, failing or being weak. None of this is true. We all need support sometimes. You might also have tried help previously and found yourself feeling misunderstood or judged. You might have felt pressured to explain things perfectly, even if you didn’t really ‘get it’ yourself. With those sorts of experiences it may feel like more effort than it’s worth to have help. If that sounds familiar, you may not have had the right help for you at that time. The right help makes all the difference and it looks different for everyone at different times.

What if support didn’t have to be confusing, worrying or a last resort? What if you didn’t have to reach breaking point before it’s okay to say ‘help’? What might be different if you had support when things were still manageable but feeling heavy and unclear?

A small shift in perspective can make all the difference. Perhaps, instead of wondering whether it's bad enough to ask for help yet, or comparing your experience to others and deciding you're overreacting, ask yourself one simple question.

‘Would it help if I didn’t have to do this alone?’

Simple yes or no.

That’s your first step. From there you have options.

Stay curious.