You Don’t Have To Keep Doing This Alone

Multiple hands holding, symbolising connection and support

Life is full of challenges. Some are chosen. Some can’t be helped. Others seem to sneak up on you when you least expect it. There are ways of coping with these challenges that become so familiar that you don’t even notice them. This can look like figuring things out by yourself, dealing with whatever needs doing, carrying things even when they’re heavy. On the outside that can look like strength, reliability and dependability – and in many ways it is. It can also be a very lonely way to manage.

You might be the one that people rely on. You might be the one who never makes a fuss, is always calm, can always handle it. You might tell them (and yourself) that you’ll sort it, whatever it is. People can always pass ‘just one more thing’ to you because however secretly overwhelmed you feel, you think it through, process it in your own way and you quietly manage it. You keep telling yourself that you’ve got this and most of the time you have. Holding things together for yourself and others comes with a cost though.

What is it about reaching for support that feels so difficult? If you’ve been coping alone, managing in isolation, then asking for help can feel very unfamiliar or uncomfortable. It can raise a number of questions such as: Who can I ask? What if they laugh? What if I’m overthinking it? What if I’m too much, or not enough – again?

Perhaps you’ve tried before and it didn’t go as you’d hoped. Perhaps after that it just felt easier or safer to manage alone again. It makes sense that you’d want to protect yourself from reaching out and getting nowhere.

Support can look different for different people. If you reached out before and it didn’t work it may not have been the right support for you at that time. That does not mean there isn’t the right kind of support for you out there. It doesn’t have to mean being analysed or ‘fixed’. It can be a much gentler experience. It can be a space where you don’t have to filter yourself or worry about being judged. It can be someone with you, helping you to untangle your thoughts, feelings and experiences. It can be a conversation that doesn’t push you but moves at your pace. Being accepted where you are without needing to be something to fill the space.

How can you have that space, conversation and acceptance if you don’t know how to put your experience into words? Don’t you need to know what to say before you reach out? Short answer: No. Not knowing what to say can be a major obstacle keeping you from getting the support that could really be beneficial. Part of the process can often be learning to understand your experience. It’s okay to start wherever you are at. It’s more than okay. The important thing is to start. You don’t need a label or a perfectly formed story to tell. Begin with the shaky, uncertain, half-formed thought. Begin with whatever you have.

If you’re used to pushing yourself through things alone then it might feel overwhelming to move into a space where you aren’t expected to perform. It may feel vulnerable for you to admit that the weight you carry is heavy, especially if so much of your external identity has been created as the calm one who just does it. Support can move at your pace. You don't have to talk before you're ready or explore things faster than feels comfortable. It isn't about rushing towards a quick fix. It's about creating healthy, sustainable change.

You might find that you feel both curious and hesitant at the same time and that’s fine. You could be thinking about changing strategies that you have relied on for years to manage day-to day-life. It’s okay to feel hesitant about that – especially when you don’t know what that change will look or feel like. You don’t have to override your hesitancy and you don’t have to let it rule you either. You don’t have to argue with your hesitation. You can just notice it. The better you understand yourself and learn to listen to yourself, the more you’ll be able to recognise your options.

Self-care is a wonderful way to get to know yourself better. Try looking at fitting in a few minutes each day just for you. Whether that’s a cup of tea, a walk around the block, blowing bubbles, looking out of the window, stretching and movement. If you’re not sure what you could do, that’s a sign that you could start getting curious about yourself. Just a reminder here: you don’t have to do this part alone either.

If this has resonated with you, perhaps you’ve already taken the first gentle step. Stay curious, notice your needs and if some support would be helpful, don’t feel pressured to jump in straight away. Take the time to look for the right support for you. Go at your pace and remember that you don’t have to do this alone.