Your Brain Isn’t Broken
We grow up with certain assumptions around us. These assumptions include how we should act, how we should feel, how we should work. That’s a lot of heavy ‘shoulds’. Some things are in place to keep us and those around us safe – like we should look both ways before crossing a road but what about social cues, office politics, education structures? What about all the situations and interactions where everyone seems to have gotten the memo except you? Where’s the social workbook and where were you when it was handed out?
One assumption you might start to carry is ‘If I’m finding this hard then I must be the problem.’ This is especially easy to think if you’re struggling but everyone else is just taking it in their stride. So you push yourself harder and maybe even look for ways to ‘fix’ yourself. What if the entire picture isn’t being considered?
If we step away from the self-blaming questions for a moment and change perspective, what might that look like? Instead of asking yourself ‘What’s wrong with me, why can’t I cope?’ What if the question became: ‘What if my brain is just different and I’m trying to work in a way that doesn’t make sense to me?’ If you’re in a system that was never designed for the way your brain works, is that your fault? Is it any wonder that you struggle?
Some of the things you might notice when things in life are feeling harder include needing more time to process, or needing other ways to absorb information. You may find notes in a mind map format work better for you. Breaking tasks – any tasks - into smaller steps so they feel achievable can help when you feel like you’re facing a mountain. You might feel overwhelmed quickly by noise, light, activity, proximity and tasks. You might find yourself struggling with things that seem to come effortlessly to others – that could be things like sending emails, answering a phone or holding a conversation. You might think, feel or focus intensely and this can spread into overthinking, replaying conversations, prolonged worry. The confusing part is that, while some or all of this is going on, you’re also capable. You know you can do a lot. You’ve done a lot already. Whether or not you can isn’t the question – you already know that. You can do it but it comes at a cost. The question becomes: why is the cost so much higher for you?
The world tends to reward particular ways of functioning. There are expectations of fitting into specific ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. Linear, predictable and consistent ways of working tend to be rewarded. However, we’re not robots and our brains don’t necessarily work like that. This creates a conflict between external expectations and who you naturally are. If your brain doesn’t naturally function in a linear, predictable and consistent way, you can find yourself constantly in a hyper-vigilant mode, adapting yourself to fit into the environment. Being an ‘environmental chameleon’ can come at a cost and eventually look like overcompensating, masking difficulties and burnout.
It’s gradually becoming understood that our brains don’t all work in the same way. Understanding that is a great step. Actually accepting it is even better. Once we understand that brains working differently is not a negative thing, we can understand that these differences can bring depth, new perspectives, creativity, new approaches, insight, pattern recognition and attunement into daily life. In order for this to happen though, these differences need to be supported, not suppressed.
I want to acknowledge clearly that, while these differences can bring the positive aspects mentioned above, they also come with challenges. Some of these challenges can be intense, painful, frightening and may frequently be overwhelming. Some may require medication in order to function in day-to-day life, others may not. These are all valid experiences and I’m not in any way diminishing any of them. I am inviting an exploration of how things may be different if you are truly supported instead of trying to work against your nature.
If your brain is wired differently, constantly trying to force yourself into a ‘typical’ framework may mean you’re working against the way you naturally function. You may be very good at masking, you might have done it for so long that you’re not even consciously aware of it. It will still be taking a toll on you. Could you consider truly understanding how you work naturally and making that your foundation? Just because you might not do things or process things the same way as everyone around you, doesn’t make your way wrong. It just makes it your way. Understanding what your way actually is can be a great step towards deeper self-awareness, self-acceptance and learning that you’re not wrong. Working with yourself can mean learning to work with your energy rather than against it, adjusting expectations both external and internal. External expectations may mean developing assertiveness, noticing people-pleasing patterns and learning when to say no. Internal (your own) expectations might need adjusting if they have been shaped by years of adapting.
Creating supportive systems for yourself can help you let go of the idea that you’re failing. That might mean making time for yourself, learning to say no, getting out into nature more or seeing people you can unmask with.
You’re not failing. You’ve been trying to function according to a rulebook that wasn’t written for you. There are ways to move forward that fit you better. Start with understanding yourself better. Start with curiosity. You don’t need to wait until you have it all figured out. You don’t need to wait until you’re ‘ready’. Start exactly where you are and if you feel that support would help, explore what kind of help would best fit you. If this has resonated with you, remember that you don’t have to do this alone.
If you’d like support understanding your own way of thinking, feeling and functioning, counselling or coaching can give you a space to explore that without having to fit yourself into somebody else’s version of how you ‘should’ be.
